Thursday, 7 April 2016

Labour releases video of Corbyn repeatedly waterboarding a puppy in bid to boost his flagging popularity

The Labour Party today released a video of party leader Jeremy Corbyn repeatedly waterboarding a puppy, in what has been widely interpreted as an attempt to boost his popularity following a series of disastrous opinion polls. The video showed Corbyn tying down the young Golden Retriever, before repeatedly pouring water over its mouth to cheers from his assembled Shadow Cabinet colleagues.

It’s widely assumed that Corbyn’s actions are an attempt to increase his popularity, by attracting the support of those who favour animal cruelty and/or really dislike dogs. Whilst this constituency is small in the UK, political observers have noted that it is larger than Corbyn’s current base of support. As a result it appears that the Labour leader is attempting to boost his popularity by associating himself with the more popular cause of animal cruelty.

The incident follows a number of controversies which have damaged Corbyn’s popularity, such as his description of members of the terrorist groups Hamas and Hezbollah as his ‘friends’, and his early refusal to sing the national anthem.

Political observers are expecting Corbyn to follow on from waterboarding a puppy with other moves to increase his popularity. It has been speculated that this could lead to videos being released of the Labour leader sucker-punching a Chelsea pensioner, pulling rude faces at babies and setting fire to a bus stop. He may even decide to take this new tactic to extremes, by for example pledging to buy new Trident launching submarines, whilst not renewing the missiles themselves. Such a policy would boost his popularity amongst those who are completely barmy, another group which is bigger than his current base of support.  

Wednesday, 6 April 2016

Liberal Democrats form armed wing in bid to remain politically relevant

The Liberal Democrats today announced that they are forming an armed wing, in what political observers are interpreting as a last desperate effort to remain politically relevant. The announcement was made by party leader Tim Farron, flanked by three masked gunman, at a secret location (otherwise known as Liberal Democrat Headquarters, on 8-10 George Street, London).

Farron told the assembled reporters that following their rout in the 2015 General Election, it had become clear that to the Liberal Democrat leadership that their party could no longer return to power ‘via democratic means alone’. Instead the party intends to replicate the strategy of Irish Republicans, and achieve power via ‘both the ballot box and armed struggle’. As such Farron announced that ‘even as we speak’, the Liberal Democrats were preparing to strike the first blow of their new campaign, with former Business Secretary Vince Cable preparing to drive a van laden with explosives into a piece of vital British infrastructure. Specifically the Coventry branch of the Spearmint Rhino chain of strip clubs.

Farron claimed that the attack would be ‘the first of many’, and warned his audience ‘not to underestimate how many people are prepared to die in the struggle for Proportional Representation’. He also argued that the Liberal Democrats new found militancy would make them more attractive to young radicals heading off to fight in the Middle East, describing such people as a ‘valuable constituency’ for the party. However seasoned political observers have reacted to the announcement with scepticism, with many interpreting it as a last desperate attempt by the Liberal Democrats to remain relevant. The military effectiveness of the Liberal Democrats has also been questioned, amidst claims that the party is ‘riddled with Conservative sympathisers’, such as former Party leader Nick Clegg. 

Monday, 21 March 2016

Hamas urged to disassociate itself from the British Labour Party

Anti-racism campaigners have called on Hamas, the Palestinian terrorist group, to disassociate itself from the UK Labour Party to avoid ‘lasting reputational damage’. In a statement posted on its website the Coalition Against Anti-Semitism (CAAS) noted that Jeremy Corbyn, before he became Labour Party leader, referenced his ‘friends from Hamas’ during a pro-Palestinian meeting. The statement went on to urge Hamas to ‘immediately disavow and condemn Jeremy Corbyn and the Labour Party’ in order to ‘avoid being tainted by accusations of bigotry’.  

The campaigner’s statement follows a number of controversies, linking sections of the Labour Party to extremism and anti-Semitism. The Labour Peer Baroness Royall is leading an investigation into accusations of anti-Semitism within the Labour student societies at Oxford University and the LSE, whilst Lord Levy has threatened to quit the Labour Party unless Corbyn does more to confront anti-Semitism. Vicki Kirby, Vice-Chair of the Woking Labour Party, was recently suspended by Labour for tweets in which she described Hitler as a ‘Zionist God’, and stated that Jews have ‘big noses’.

Furthermore Gerry Downing, who runs the ‘Socialist Fight’ website was expelled from Labour, after it was discovered that Downing had written an article entitled ‘Why Marxists must address the Jewish Question’. Downing also asserted that the 9/11 attacks ‘must never be condemned’, and wrote on the Socialist Fight website that ‘we defend the ‘Islamic State’ in Syria and Iraq against the bombing of US imperialism’. Meanwhile, before he became Labour leader, Corbyn described Raed Salah, who promoted the anti-Semitic blood libel, as ‘a very honoured citizen’. Corbyn also defended Reverend Stephen Sizer, when he was censured by Church of England authorities for promoting articles linking rich Jews to the 9/11 attacks. 

Senior Hamas figures, an organisation which has organised suicide bombings against civilians and which supresses’ opposition in the territory it controls, have privately indicated that they are ‘horrified’ to be described as ‘friends’ by Corbyn. They stated that they view Corbyn as a ‘dangerous extremist’, who ‘should not be allowed to moderate himself by association with the Hamas brand’. One Hamas leader even told us, privately, that Corbyn should ‘put on a proper suit, do up his tie, and sing the national anthem’. 

Sunday, 13 March 2016

‘Leave’ campaigners dismiss as ‘scaremongering’ claims that Brexit might not increase average UK penis size

Campaigners calling for the UK to leave the EU have described claims, by rival ‘Remain’ supporters, that Brexit might not increase the average UK male penis size as ‘scaremongering’. Richard Dangler, Director of the Get Britain Out (GBO), campaign told a London press conference that it is ‘beyond reasonable doubt’ that Brexit would ‘add at least two inches’ to the length of each UK male resident’s penis. He insisted that claims to the contrary were part of a ‘Project Fear’, being run by the Remain campaign, which was trying to scare the public into voting to stay in the EU based on ‘unscientific data and wild speculation’. 

When asked to prove the correlation between support for Brexit and penis size Dangler asserted that UKIP leader Nigel Farage, who ‘has campaigned for Brexit for decades’ has ‘an absolutely enormous dong’. He concluded that Brexit would leave British voters ‘not only richer and safer, but also hung like mountain gorillas’.

The dispute over the impact of Brexit on penis size is just the latest in a series of spats between the rival campaigns, with ‘Leave’ supporters accusing the ‘Remain’ campaign of running a ‘comprehensive Project Fear’. The Get Britain Out campaign has insisted that it is ‘essentially certain’ that Brexit would increase average UK temperatures by 3 degrees Celsius, result in the UK putting a man on Mars by 2018 and lead to every British resident getting a free Ford Mondeo (with four months MOT). They also claim that Brexit would lead to Ben Stiller making another decent movie and Hartlepool United winning La Liga by 2019 at the latest. 

Most controversially the ‘Leave’ campaign has also claimed that Brexit would lead to the UK securing a free trade deal with the EU which would give the UK full access to the single market, without having to make a financial contribution, accept free movement of labour or implement most EU law. Any claims to the contrary have been dismissed by the Get Britain Out campaign as ‘scaremongering’.